dingostew.com

haha I can see why alright...its hard to believe!!!

Next time your printer is broken......check again!!!

Bidding at an auction was furious when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman has lost a wallet containing $20,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000." There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch.

Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline. 'Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?''

' 'Don't worry sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres !"





Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hotshot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT,

"And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer coolly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said,

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."




BLONDE GENIES

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"








WOMAN'S DIARY :

12 July 2008 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late
meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went
somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I
just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He
hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned
the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to
bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He
just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my
surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MAN'S DIARY:


Saturday 12 July


Sharks lost the rugby.

Gutted.

Got a ride though.

lol I was only just talkin to me housemate about that joke last night! Who gives a shit about the sharks tho!!

This is an old one..but good one!
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up.


Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It
was addressed,


"Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.


I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mom and you.


I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her
tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.


But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter.


We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone.


We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.


In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better.


She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grand children.





Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life
than the school report that's on my desk.


I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"




While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"