Funny pic/Joke of the day

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Funny pic/Joke of the day

Postby amsroks » Sun Mar 07, 2010 11:59 pm

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times..
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, 'Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?'
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe



Image
Image
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby dingo » Mon Mar 08, 2010 9:10 am

lol good idea for a thread actually! we have a joke a day in work, but they're absolutely useless! still though, might rob them!!


so, what does a gay horse eat?




HAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!! ;)


:?
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby amsroks » Mon Mar 08, 2010 11:19 pm

Or you could set up a seperate thread for them!! :idea:
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby amsroks » Mon Mar 08, 2010 11:54 pm

The New Boyfriend

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her
parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their
concern.

"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he
be doing 500 hours of community service?"







Why you never question a drunk......

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
.
.
.
.
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby eoinzy » Tue Mar 09, 2010 10:27 am

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
She replied, "Yes or No."


bah-dum tish!
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby eoinzy » Tue Mar 09, 2010 11:30 am

A young blonde woman was driving through Southern Louisiana while on vacation.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Near by were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!


;)
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby amsroks » Tue Mar 09, 2010 8:35 pm

haha you robbed that one from the email I sent ya a few days ago!!!
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby eoinzy » Wed Mar 10, 2010 8:46 am

veg? u meant to say veg, ye? i dont get it.... :?
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby amsroks » Wed Mar 10, 2010 5:52 pm

How did that end up in the joke section??? Its not a joke, Tesco are actually offering an optician service now :shock:
so they will be selling you glasses and vegetables(prob at the same time!!!)
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby dingo » Wed Mar 10, 2010 6:16 pm

lol ah right so its not a joke? i thought u were takin the piss!! I merged the two threads. i'll split them up again!! :lol:
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